English Drives Me Crazy!

You think English is easy???
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce .
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is
a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.' It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the
silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special. And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP...

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP,
so........it is time to shut UP!

Life on the McAuliffe Command Station.

Hello Troops,
The following is a fictionalized account of current events at the Space Education Center. Read it carefully and you should find most of the Space Center's news and events. Look for future installments. Who knows, you might even be mentioned in a future story.

And Now,
Life on the McAuliffe Command Station.

Why do I need a blanket? I wake up each day buried in paper work. It follows me where ever I go. No other way to describe my life. Most of the paperwork comes from my first responsibility - the training of new Starfleet cadets. There is a never ending supply of them arriving and departing daily on the yellow Express Liners. They stop first at the Command Station for their orders. With orders in hand they are assigned to training stations on either the Magellan station or the Starships Voyager, Odyssey, Galileo, or Phoenix. I got up, showered, dressed, and stood by my bedroom window watching the yellow liners make their final approach with their eager occupants.
"Admiral," a female voice sounded from the wall speaker. "You asked to be informed when the senior officers arrived. The Voyager, Odyssey, Galileo, and Phoenix are all docked."
"Is that you Lt. Clegg?" I questioned. "I thought you had a few days off for the Intergalactic Astronomical Extravaganza!"
"Wrapped up Sir. Back to as normal as life gets here at Command," she responded.
"Where are they?" I asked.
“I’m not sure. They could be anywhere. I’ll track them down and tell them to gather in the shuttlebay. Do you need anything else?” Lt. Clegg was polite in her question but the tone of her voice indicated a desire to move ahead with the day’s work.
I stood up from my desk and stretched. A pylon of the McAuliffe Central Command Station stretched across my viewport. I walked over and gazed out. The docking clamps were in view. The boarding ramps were being extended like open arms welcoming a slowly advancing starship.
"Clockwork - perfect clockwork," I thought knowing the Command staff ran the station as efficiently as German trains. My attention was arrested and refocused on a set of flickering lights up near the Command and Control Center (C&C).
"Some kind of short," I muttered as I zipped up my jacket and turned away from the port and headed toward my cabin door. With a swoosh it opened and I was out in the hall. I touched my com badge and waited as I walked.
“Connection?” the almost sexy voice of the Central Computer inquired.
“Chief Robinson,” I answered.
“Stand by,” she responded. I took great pride in the new voice of the Command Computer. For years command computers universal wide had the voice a grandmother would use having found you in her cookie jar. The new voice, recently installed on half the ships and stations, is one of a younger woman . The hint of annoyance replaced by the almost perceptible sound of desire.
“Robinson here,” my attention was drawn back to the moment. “What can I do for you Admiral?”
“Chief, do you know that you have a flickering docking light on pylon three?” I asked. I knew questions like this kept my people on their toes. I had to maintain my reputation of being a details man. “You know what I always say, take care of the little problems and the big problems take care of themselves.”
“Anything else sir,” was the Chief’s response. His voice sounded a bit put off.
“No, I’ll see you soon enough for our weekly maintenance review. Oh, one other thing, I hear a certain Commander Long of Starfleet Engineering installed new ship control panels right off the Magellan’s Command Deck. How are they working?”
There was a pause. I heard the Chief talking to someone else in the room. His hand was over the comm badge.
“Admiral Daymont’s Office reports the panels are in and powered but not functional. Command Long should have them fully functional in a week.”
I let the conversation end. It achieved its purpose.
I think I counted at least 20 "Good morning Sirs'" on my way to Ten
Forward Lounge. This was my first stop for a quick working breakfast with Lt. Clegg and Lt. Houston. My usual pre-ordered slimming meal composed of lowfat cottage cheese on a cracker - sprinkled wtih some kind of salad seasoning and a Diet Coke was waiting on my table. I sat down and dove into the feast. Once my mouth was full, and before I could spill anything on my uniform, Lt. Clegg gave me her report on the ship's activities for the past week. Commander Lorraine Houston entered the room half way through the report. She sat down, took out her PAD and listed off the ships sending cadets for training. There was the USS Morningside, USS Noah Webster and the USS Manila. She reported that all was going well. Her next report was on the uniforms in development. All going according to schedule.
"A busy week coming up?" I asked her as I finished the last of the coke.
"When isn't it?" she responded as she grabbed her papers, finished her yogurt, and moved toward the door. "Oh, I'll have the cake baked and ready for Lt. Metta Smith's Birthday party on Saturday,” she continued speaking as she left the room with a wave and an exhausted grin. She was off to run a group of young cadets through their first stellar navigation course in the station’s Starlab.
"You’ll make Admiral soon if you keep this up," I shouted as the door closed. In the round window of the door I saw a fist with thumb up appear and disappear.
The lounge was quiet again except for the rustling of paper.
“Anything else sir?” Lt. Clegg asked as she rose from the chair.
“I guess not considering your already on your feet,” I responded. I got that look and knew it was best to let her get on with doing the real work of the station. She disappeared down the corridor. The highly polished wooden doors of the lounge closed quietly behind her.
There was a cough from the corner of the room. I looked over and saw someone reading a newspaper at a small table for two. It was hard to tell who it was in the light. He had a plastic cup with protruding staw in front of him. Next to that was what appeared to be the largest apple fritter I had every seen. He occasionally laid the paper down, looked out the window and stirred his drink. It was Command’s Chief Network Officer. Schuler was his name - Bill Schuler. Sort of a different person. Sometimes quiet and sometimes just the opposite but always mysterious. There were the rumors of course. As far as I could tell he had no connection to Federation Intelligence but who would know if Intelligence was doing its job correctly. I did know that he spent most of his time with the Command Computer Systems, only occasionally taking a tour of duty with ships of the line. His duty record was impressive but incomplete. His record had a six year period showing “Officer on Special Assignment” as his only duty.
"Perhaps Section 31," I wondered in a whisper.
He glanced toward my table and caught me looking in his direction. I immediately looked elsewhere. A moment later he walked by with a quick salute.
,"Sir." he respectfully said while putting his newspaper under arm. He walked quickly while putting something in his pocket.
"One of these days I'm going to have you followed," I said under my breath as I gathered my things and walked out the other door toward the shuttle bay.
I arrived in the Shuttle Bay at 9:00 A.M. The Shuttle bay was the hub of activity at the Command Station. Ships and shuttles came and left twenty four hours a day. Just watching the hustle exhausted me.
Just as expected - standing there by the Voyager’s shuttle were the Senior Officer’s of the Station’s Fleet.: Commander Perry of the Odyssey, Admiral Daymont and Commander VandeBoss of the Magellan Station, and Commander Warner of the Phoenix. They were talking quietly among themselves.
"What's going on here!" I said as I walked up to the group.
"Reviewing the list of new cadets assigned to our ship’s and station for training,” Lt. Commander Warner replied for everyone. “We’ve noticed some of these new cadets you are sending us are very young. I mean very young.”
“Are they bringing their own Pampers or do we need to order them special?” Commander Perry asked with a smile. The others in the circle laughed and nodded in agreement.
“Well, we take what Command gives us,” I answered. “You’ll find talent in any group,” I added, liking to end most thoughts on a positive note for morale. “I’ll be up to the meeting in a few minutes. You may all go to the Briefing Room and wait.”
The Senior Officers worked their way out of the Bay and into the nearest turbolift.
I continued my morning walk around the station and strolled over to a large window overlooking the orbital shipyards. The New Galileo was under construction. Commanders Carroll, Herring and DeBirk were going over the week's construction schedule.
"Are we on schedule?" I asked. I got a positive answer with a complete "Request to Purchase" list from Herring (aka, the Fish).
"What does he want now?" I wondered as he shoved the paperwork in my direction. He was asking for a digital amp. How was I suppose to understand what a digital amp was? Who does he think I am? Come on, we all understand my function around here. I'm the person they like to hang pretty medals on because I know how to talk in public and make everyone look good. I'm like a Christmas Tree. I get the nice ornaments. I get to stand around and get looked at. Everyone else keeps the place running - right? Herring, you know the routine, just give me the papers and I'll sign them. Just don't stand too close, you might take the sparkle off the medals. If you have any other questions talk to Lt. Clegg.
Just then a little fella wearing glasses, dressed in an olive green t- shirt, jacket, and pants walked by with clipboard in hand. "They need you on the Bridge Sir," he said in stride.
"Got to finish the inspection before my meeting," I said as I headed for the bridge.
It was a short jump in the turbolift up to the Command Deck. The doors slid open and a voice shouted, "Admiral on deck!" I walked around the room. All seemed in order. I stopped by Commander Daymont, younger brother of Admiral Daymont, and thanked him for the fantastic logos he created for the station’s starships. I moved on and was handed the morning reports from Lt. Metta Smith, acting Officer On Duty .
“Metta, give me the abbreviated version of this," I said handing back the stack of papers I sat in the Station’s Command Chair and shifted positions so the new cadets could see the glittering new pin I was awarded last year for over 25 years of service in the fleet.
Metta started reading the reports. I was shocked to hear of Network Engineer Schuler’s foot surgery. I had just seen him in the Lounge. He looked normal, or as normal as he ever looked. There was something unnerving about him which forced everyone to stay low and off his radar. There were other items on the day’s agenda. Lt. Clegg stepped forward to say she would take care of the rest. I sat in my chair and looked over the vast starfield in the main viewer
"Carry on," I said and settled into my chair listening to the buzz
of voices doing what it takes to keep a Command Center running. I had forgotten the small gathering, several decks below, of my Senior Officers. I wondered why Lt. Smith was smiling and Lt. Clegg was laughing to herself as she disappeared around the corner into the Ready Room. They were going to leave that error to me as a lesson to get myself a daily planner. Well, the lesson could wait. I dosed off to the quiet hum of station life.

What Makes a Great Space Education Center Volunteer

A Great Volunteer
The Space Education Center stands on the foundation of a great staff and outstanding volunteers. We have an outstanding group of young people that volunteer at the Center. Some have asked me what they could do to be even better.
To answer their questions, I want to talk about the characteristics of a great volunteer.

• A Great Volunteer arrives on time unless he contacts me to tell me he will be late. That can be done with an email or phone call with message left in the urgent box.
• A Great Volunteer dresses appropriately. He wears the required black or navy blue pants. Some blue jeans are passable but remember - really faded blue eans and blue jeans with any kind of hole are not allowed. If you are in doubt about what pants to wear always go with black / navy blue dress pants. Athletic pants are OK as well as long as the colored strip which usually runs along the leg isn't very pronounced. There is something very impressive about a volunteer walking into the school wearing his Space Center T-shirt and black pants. He looks like he is ready to go to work. His dress tells me that he takes what he does at the Center seriously and would like to get on in the organization. Yes Troops, I notice everything even though I may not say anything. Impressions are sometimes hard things to change. It is always better to set the right impression to start with.
• A great volunteer comes clean. Not showering for even one day is not acceptable. You are all old enough where showing daily is a must. Remember in today's society you should always be clean and hair washed. Folks, unwashed hair is noticed by everyone.
• A great volunteer comes willing to take any assignment. Some volunteers come to work saying they will only do one thing or they will only work in one ship. I will try to give volunteers their first choice of ship and assignment but sometimes I can't. I appreciate the volunteer that is willing to tell me what they prefer but add that they are willing to do anything. That `can do' attitude makes a great volunteer.
• A great volunteer enjoys the customers and is willing to work with them. He enjoys training the crew member and answering questions.
• A great volunteer does his best to learn and expand his talents at the Space Center.
• Great volunteers follow directions from their Flight Directors. Some of our volunteers say `yes' to an assignment and then walk away never completing it. Volunteers, the Flight Directors have their favorites. These are people that they trust to follow directions. These are people they know can be trusted with tasks and don't require constant supervision. These are people that are told once to do something and it will be done and done right. Wow....... someone like that is a great volunteer!
• Great Volunteers understand the atmosphere we try to maintain at the Space Center. Our family friendly atmosphere is central to our role as a educational entertainment site. Our great volunteers watch their language. They are careful not to discuss things that would be inappropriate around other staff and children. They understand that if they hear other volunteers or staff involved in inappropriate talk they walk away and let me know (anonymously if necessary).
• A great volunteer understands that the Space Center is a social organization. In any social organization people rise to the top while others don't. Those that don't advance usually end up blaming others for their perceived failure. Troops, advancement in any organization requires a few things.

1. Hard Work with a willing attitude.
2. A willingness to take the tough assignments. This includes the worst positions in the ships and even the worst cleaning jobs.
3. Understanding when to talk and when to be quiet and listen. Some of our volunteers jump right into conversations as if they've worked here for years. Old timers don't like that. You should sit and listen. Learn from what you hear and then, when you feel like you have something constructive and worthwhile to say, say it.
4. Smile and be positive. Positive and cheerful people rise faster in any organization.
5. Find out who is really in charge and work to become an asset to that person. Look around and see something that really needs to be done but isn't. Do it without being told. That is very impressive.
6. Look for ways to advance. Look at what others are doing. Jump in and make it known what you want and that you are willing to work hard to get it. The world is full of those that sit on the fence watching others work hard and move ahead. They cry and cry saying that they were never given a chance to succeed. Crying and wailing makes you look like a child. Get off the fence and get your hands dirty. Work and advance. Slack off and fail. It is really that simple.
   
7. Let me know who you are. Always come in and report to me when you arrive. Keep doing this until you know I know your name.

• At the end of every mission ask the Flight Director to comment on your work. Tell them you can take praise and criticism. Then be ready to hear the truth. Sometimes it hurts and that's why most people don't ask that question. Folks that advance don't always do what everyone else does. They want to be noticed. Get noticed by risking a bit of self esteem and pride to find out what you really need to do to be better.