Dividing Souls

On the outskirts of town, there was huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out toward the fence. Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from
inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery." He cycled down the road fast as he could and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls." The man said, "Shooo, you brat, can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is." But after several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling the truth.
Let's see if we can see the devil himself."
Shivering with fear, they peered through the fence, yet they were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done." They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy.

Anonymous

A Christmas Greeting from the Director

Merry Christmas Staff and Volunteers,

This Christmas finds our staff, retired staff, and volunteers spread out from one end of the nation to the other. Rest assured that the Admiral of the Space Center is here in Pleasant Grove minding the base. Our simulators are enjoying a well-needed rest. Each one parked, snoozing, and waiting to be woken by a flight director at the beginning of the `Long Stretch' to Spring Vacation.

This 'Long, Dreaded, Stretch', is the time of the school year only understood by the educational community and students. This desert of time runs from January to April. Its landscape is marked by a few, one-day holidays and nothing else. Teachers survive the 'Long Stretch' by rationing their sanity and patience into weekly packages.

Each Monday one parcel of sanity is opened and inserted into the appropriate mental slot. By Wednesday, students begin sensing the supply is waning. This is usually demonstrated by the teacher's quivering lip and a seemingly innocent twitch over the left eye - a warning sign that something dark and sinister is bubbling in a dark place.

Thursday is the bleakest day. It marks the end of the teacher's working supply of patience. This is the day teachers earn their notorious reputation by verbally striking out at children with swords of satiric comment and bullets of snide and degrading remarks describing their student's mental abilities. Thursday finds teachers sticking pins into the pictures of their 'deserving' students on 'The Bulletin Board' kept hidden from public view in most faculty rooms. At the beginning of each school year the Board is cursed by a practitioner of the Voodoo arts. The ritual begins with hours of chanting accompanied by shaking rattles. This is followed by the sacrificing of a chicken (recently modified by replacing a real chicken with a 9 piece McNuggets from McDonalds to satisfy the animal rights advocates in the educational community. Although not as effective, it is less messy). The Board is ready for use once it is properly prepared.


On Thursdays one is reminded of the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem as you watch teachers gaze at the hundreds of pictures on the Board. The chanting, the rocking, the occasional weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth are all there. Many of you have wondered why you suddenly
take sick at school. Now you understand. I could tell you more but I'm taking a calculated risk writing what I've written.

Friday's wisps of sanity are fueled by fumes only. The Fumes of Patience have a calming effect on teachers when combined with warm thoughts of a weekend. I know the long stretch from January to May is hard on students also. Best thing to do is keep a positive attitude and work hard. When you are working hard the time goes faster.

Seriously, I want to wish all of you a very Merry Christmas. It has been a pleasure working with the finest young adults in Utah Valley this past year. I'm honored that you consider the Space Center worthy of your valuable time. I wish I could give each of you a gift but we have simulators to build and things to repair. Instead you have my thanks and, upon request, a good missionary handshake. Enjoy this holiday season with family and friends and be all the more ready to come back. There are thousands of children waiting anxiously for their upcoming missions and you make it happen!


Merry Christmas Friends,
Mr. Williamson

Charlie Brown's Christmas Sorrow

Charlie Brown : “Will it ever stop snowing?”
Linus: “You seem a little depressed today Charlie Brown. Although it isn’t unusual to find you depressed on any given morning, you would think a no school day paired with Christmas would be enough kindling to ignite some kind of holiday spirit.”
Charlie Brown: “What are you talking about. Why don't you speak English? I swear I don’t understand half of what you say. Why can’t I have a friend that speaks my language?!”
Linus: “Bad Day. Not Good. You Sad. You make me sad. You be happy soon?”
Charlie Brown: “Good Grief”

(a pause in the conversation allows both boys to draw figures in the snow. Linus picks up the conversation trying to brighten Charlie's mood)

Linus: “Peppermint Patty is having her annual Peppermint Christmas party tonight. Will you be going? If so, will you be accompanied by your pleasant mood?”
Charlie Brown: “I didn’t get an invitation. Did everybody get an invitation?”
Linus: “I’m guessing they did. It looks like Snoopy has his."

(Snoopy is seen in the distance removing his leather jacket, aviator's cap and goggles. He enters his dog house and exits with an invitation in one hand and his Christmas dog collar in the other. He does a little dance and then, in a flash, is off down the street)

Charlie Brown: “Sigh”
Linus: “Cheer up Charlie Brown. You can come with me. The invitation says you can come in Christmas costume. I wasn't going to dress up but I have an idea. I can wrap my blanket around my head and go as a shepherd. You can put your mom’s wool coat on and come as a sheep.”
Charlie Brown: “Good Grief”

(There is another pause. Linus tries to catch snowflakes on his tongue. Charlie stares blankly ahead watching Lucy drag her 'Psychiatric Booth' out from the garage and out to the driveway).

Linus: “You know what you need. You need to see my sister Lucy. For a nickel she can get you felling right as rain. See, she is setting up her booth in the driveway. She’s expanding her practice. She offers online holiday help if you have the internet and a dime. I see she has mom’s cell phone. I gave her the idea to start a holiday crisis help line. Its Perfect for you Charlie Brown. Let’s go inside and give her a call.”
Charlie: “She’s right there on the driveway. Why don’t I just go over and talk to her?”
Linus: “You’ve never been one to keep abreast of modern technology have you?”
Charlie Brown: “Sigh”

(Again, another pause. Linus pulls out Peppermint Patty's invitation to double check the party's starting time. He smells something - a smell everyone recognizes. He looks up to confirm his nose's conclusion).

Linus: “It’s working. She has her first holiday customer. You can tell its PigPen - she’s shrouded in dust. This is fantastic. She promised to share her holiday profits if I keep giving her ideas for business expansion. I want an iPhone for Christmas but I don't think Santa will spring for one this year. I’ve been a good boy but to get an iPhone requires the ability to walk on water. I don't think I've been that good. So.... my share of the psychiatric business's profit will be my standby plan to get one. ”

(Charlie Brown looks at Linus with a look of unbelief. He decides to redirect the conversation)

Charlie Brown: “I’m not going as a sheep. I'll just go. I'm sure she sent an invitation. It must have gotten lost in the mail.”
Linus: “Yes, that must be it. Just like your invitation to the Halloween party. Your invitations are in good company with the millions of socks lost in dryers every year.”
Charlie Brown: “Do you get paid a bonus by your sister to annoy me to the point where I need her help!?”

(Now Linus decides it is time to redirect the conversation to something else)

Linus: “Oh look, I think the snow is increasing in volume.”
Charlie Brown: “I don’t think I’m going to make it through this vacation, even with your quack sister's help.”

(Linus grows perplexed. He has seen Charlie Brown depressed before but this depression seems to be different)

Linus: “What is it Charlie Brown! I’ve never seen you this bad. What’s this anchor on your holiday spirit?”
Charlie Brown: “Do you really want to know. I mean honestly want to know?”
Linus: “I’m your friend, and considering the way things are progressing, soon I’ll be your only friend. Listen Charlie Brown, I guarantee there is nothing so dreadful, awful, depressing or dark that the spirit of Christmas can’t brighten! Come on, throw it at me. I’ll use my Christmas Cheer and bat it out of the park!”
Charlie Brown: “THE SPACE CENTER IS CLOSED UNTIL JANUARY 5TH!
AAAAAAARRRRRUUUUUGGGG. OH THE HUMANITY.............”
Linus: “Gulp”
Charlie Brown: “Let’s see you bat that one ‘out of the park’. Oh yea.......now whose talking Mr. Christmas Cheer. Go on, take that to your sister and see it turn her to the bottle for holiday cheer.”
Linus: “Sigh”
Charlie Brown: “Double Sigh”
Linus: “I take your Double Sigh and raise you two more sighs”
Charlie Brown: “Good Grief.”
Linus: “You got that right.”