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Thursday, November 26, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving 2009! My Thoughts on the Subject.

Thanksgiving Day, 2009

(Three Years Before the End of the World According to a Certain Old Gentleman known as my father that eats like a bird thinking consuming 50 calories a day will keep him alive forever).

Dear Family and Friends,
Today finds us stuffing our faces with solid happiness. As the day progresses all of you will end up fat and happy (or I should say for some of us - fatter and happier). I'm hoping everyone is enjoying a good meal and pleasant company, or as pleasant as any of us can be considering the company we have to keep on this special day. Enjoy your day off. I know for many of you tomorrow means going back to work. For some, it will be the worse working day of the year. Yes, I'm talking about Black Friday. If you work in a store, or must go out shopping tomorrow, then you have my sympathies. May God bless and keep you safe from the savages that must have that special trinket for little Johnny and Mary and are willing to do anything (bribery, shoving, biting, kicking, eye gouging, pepper spraying) to get it. I suggest you wear a cross and keep a small flask of holy water handy in case you go down in battle and need Last Rites. I want you all to know that I'm available to come to the rescue if needed. My Battlestar can get into places your car can't if I need to do an emergency extraction (I drive a Lincoln Town Car - you know, the kind only old farts drive. I can get away with parking in the handicap stalls even without a Handicapp Sticker. Everyone just assumes that only those born during Hoover and Roosevelt's Administrations would drive one). I also have a pretty extensive first aid kit at the Space Center. I can do most things with it except perform heart and brain surgery. Oh, I'm a bit rusty with Gall Bladders and amputations so best to leave those types of injuries to professionals. Anyway, give me a call and I'll be right out.

Black Friday is the first official shopping day of the Christmas Season. Oops, according to my politically correct friends and some family that believe religion is yesterday's polyester bell bottoms, I shouldn't be saying or writing 'Christmas'. Instead I should refer to this time of year by its neutral name, the "Holiday Season". I was told that several national chains instructed their employees to drop the "Merry Christmas" salutation and replace it with the religiously neutral "Happy Holidays". Soon the words "Merry Christmas" will only be heard in churches and living rooms. Said anywhere else could cause the raising of eyebrows among those of other faiths and the non and anti religious. Let's not forget the effect of those words on atheists. They will will run from you weeping and wailing, clutching the Constitution as a shield against your verbal assault.

To many the Constitution is like the Bible. Both documents are considered sacred, never to be tampered with or interpreted outside of the age and time they were written. Others see them as fluid documents presenting guidelines that are flexible and should be interrupted for the our time. Both documents can be read and amazingly interpreted in multiple ways! It seems all sides to an argument, either political or religious, can find support through 'carefully guided' reading and the art of seeing only what they want to see.

I'm independent in such matters. On any given day my opinion may change based on who I'm listening to. I like to think its because I'm open minded, when in reality, I just can't remember what I should know from day to day. I call it selective memory syndrome. I remember just those things that will keep me employed and driving. Anything above and beyond that are luxuries. Costly luxuries mind you. For example, I don't know how many times I've purchased a DVD only to get it home and find I already own two copies! Frustrating! So, if I ever give you a DVD as a gift, don't consider it a miracle that I remembered your birthday or Christmas. It's just that, well......... you know.

So....... not to labor a point to death, may I wish my easily offended family members and friends a "Happy Holiday" and those that are religious and conveniently religious a "Merry Christmas". No one should be offended........ Oops. May I also wish you a Happy Hanuka. Oh, and I can't forget a Happy Festivus (for you Senfield fans). Wait, I suppose there may be a few that are offended and ready to sue because I used the word 'Happy'. I apologise if my using that word offends your right to be miserable. I'll do better next time.

Your Ever Kind and Gracious,
Mr. Williamson to some, Victor to others, Bossman to certain staff and Sir to all the rest.

P.S. The Williamson Thanksgiving in Cloverdale.
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