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Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Paul (The Razor) Bauman Escapes. Reward Offered!

Paul (The Razor) Bauman (right) with his Side Kick Todd (Scarface) Rasband. This photograph shows Paul in the ‘school’ enjoying a bit of free time with his co workers before the next batch of cadets arrived for ‘treatment’.

All Points Bulletin
Commandant. CMSEC
Pleasant Grove

Paul (The Razor) Bauman, once a supervisor at the CMSEC, escaped on Monday. He was last seen at 5:40 P.M. running across the west lawn toward the electrified hedge separating the school’s ‘play ground’ from No Man’s Land. No Man’s Land, as all our ‘students’ know, is the seemingly peaceful neighborhood surrounding the ‘school’. Of course, the homes are all empty. They are for show only. This ‘show case’ community is another way we convince local authorities (and pesky representatives of the International Red Cross) that Central is a real school, and not a cleverly disguised asylum for the slightly off balanced.

The photograph above is the latest picture of Paul in the ‘school’ enjoying a bit of free time with his co workers before the next batch of cadets arrived for ‘treatment’.

Paul (The Razor) Bauman worked at the institution for a number of years. He began as a ‘camper’ at the Institution’s ‘Space Center’. After surviving several rounds of treatment (the staff refer to them as ‘missions’) Paul was rehabilitated and recruited to work as a volunteer. Paul was popular with the ‘campers’. He brought a caring, human touch to the treatments. He told stories at bed time and always had time to listen to their concerns.

Paul’s talents at calming the ‘campers’ by making treatments seem fun convinced the Commandant to place him on the ‘school’s staff. Last week Paul approached the Commandant and requested a release from his duties. The Commandant reminded Paul that once on the Institution's payroll there was no release. He could appeal the Commandant’s decision but such a move was risky. If his release was authorized by the Board, he would be subject to a painful ‘debriefing’. Memories of his time at the Center would be erased using electroshock therapy. Debriefing was effective 50% of the time. The unfortunate ones that didn’t survive are housed in a special section of the ‘school’.

Yesterday, Paul finished working a treatment. As the ‘campers’ were escorted away from the ‘simulator’, Paul saw a lapse in security. Private Spenser Dauwalter was in the office filling out paper work instead of securing the perimeter. Our security cameras tracked Paul as he escaped through the ‘simulator’s’ back door and bolted across the blacktop and onto the lawn. Automatic sensors were triggered. Alarms rang. Sharpshooters, hidden in the trees, did their best to bring him down. Unfortunately, due to extreme wind, they couldn’t get a clear shot. Branches and flying leaves obstructed their view. Paul pulled out a classified document when he reached the electrified hedge. It held the combination to disable the electric current. He climbed the hedge/fence and landed in the false neighborhood.

He ran into one of the hollow brick homes. The security camera in the fireplace's mantle showed him consulting his iPod. He carefully traced his moves around the land mines hidden in the lawns, driveways and tree trunks on the device's touch screen. He walked to the screen door, looked for approaching agents, found the coast clear and ran. It took several minutes of dodging and jumping before clearing the field.

Six minutes after leaving the 'school' Paul faced one last wall. Freedom waited on the other side. With a chimp's agility he scampered up the wall and went over the top. He startled a young couple walking their dog near Harts when he landed directly in front of them on all fours. From there he disappeared into the dark.

The Commandant is authorizing a reward for the successful capture of this escaped, deranged and confused ‘camp’ supervisor. Approach with caution. He will not allow himself to be captured and repatriated without a fight.

(Troops. Paul Bauman left the Space Center after several years as a volunteer and employee. He is a senior now and his life is filling with several things. I want to thank Paul for his devoted service to the Space Center and our students. The campers really loved Paul and the staff will miss him. Thanks Paul for everything. We wish you the very best of luck and do stay in touch. Mr. Williamson)
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