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Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Thoughts From My Long Walk Home.

Hello Troops,
I enjoyed by walk home this evening. The temperature was perfect in every way for someone raised on the frontier of South Dakota. The setting sun cast long shadows of trees and houses and the air carried that delicious sent of multiple patio barbecues cooking up half a ton of beef. My mouth was watering like Niagara Falls by the time I got home. I was starving for beef and what did I get? Well, not much when you're trying to count calories.

I sit at my desk and watch my teen age staff eat everything from 5 Variety Pizza (named 5 variety because of the five different types of fat and grease dripping from the edges and pooling in the center) and Gandolphos signature sandwich, The Cardiologist's Delight Its a lovely stacked sandwich seeping with grease, meat, eggs, and a leaf of green lettuce to make you think your getting something nutritious. Oh, I almost forgot the ten pound take away they each order from Sumo Express during the Overnight Camps on Fridays. We're talking rice bathed in soy sauce, deep fat fried Gut Plow Chicken , General 3 Chin Beef, and Sweet and Sour Sow Belly. They distract me with their chomping and chewing while I'm trying to do an honest day's work for an honest day's half pay (you know us teachers, always feeling overworked and underpayed). The smells fill my nostrils and put my stomach in starvation's throws. I want to cry out "Enough I can't take it anymore"
They fill their faces with 9000 calories of completely non nutritious food completely lacking in fiber and antioxidants while I nibble like a rabbit on carrots. Yes, I sit there cruching away with my bag of little mini carrots. They know not to offer me anything. I don't need the calories and the indigestion........ oh wow, it would be like being hung, drawn and quartered.

There was a time when I ate like that. I was growing up. Everything I ate went into the growing up. But there came a time when I stopped growing. The calories had to go somewhere and I'm sad to say they found a place. So, the moral of the story is simple. You younglings, enjoy your growing up years when you can eat almost anything and not gain one pound. Those days will come to an end. When that day comes, you'll be forced to drastically reduce your calorie intake or work out several hours per day. That's hard to do when you work for a living like most of us.

So, the sun is setting. I'm home from my long walk, drenched in saliva from smelling the smells of backyard barbecues. I'm preparing to eat my Low Sodium Progresso Light Chicken Noodle Soup with a side of steamed veggies (a must so I get my fiber) and perhaps, if I'm a good boy, I may get to nibble on a few more carrots. Now, if I'm a really good boy I may get to have two tablespoons of hot air popped corn, sprayed with that fake calorieless oil, colored to look like butter's distant cousin. The rest of the night I'll sit in my easy chair chewing on a shoe trying to satisfy that craving I have for beef.

I'm done.

Mr. Williamson
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